Building Family Connection & Resilience Through Play

In a world where family life can so easily become a series of getting somewhere, getting something done, getting out of the door, getting through homework, dinner and bedtime... play can be one of the places where we simply get to be together.

Not teaching.

Not correcting.

Not asking our children how their day was and receiving the inevitable “fine”.

Just being together.

There is something about play that can bring us into relationship in a different way. We see another side of our children, and they see another side of us. We laugh. We get silly. We become competitive. We sometimes get frustrated. We negotiate. We win and lose.

And all of these things are part of being human.

Play isn't simply something children do when they have nothing else to do. It is one of the ways children explore the world, their bodies and their relationships. Through play they can experiment with taking risks, having a go, making choices, experiencing disappointment, trying again, being close to someone and finding out what happens when things don't go quite as they expected.

And perhaps one of the gifts of playing together is that all of this can happen in the context of relationship.

There is someone there with them.

Why play matters

Children are learning all the time, but not all learning happens through being told something.

A child can know, intellectually, that losing a game is okay. But there is a difference between knowing that and actually feeling the disappointment of losing, noticing the feelings that arise, and discovering that they can survive the feeling and still be connected to the people around them.

Play gives us lots of these small experiences.

There might be excitement and anticipation, followed by frustration. There might be an argument about the rules, a moment of feeling left out, a burst of laughter, or the discovery that Dad is much more competitive than anyone realised!

These are not problems to eliminate from play. They are opportunities to be alongside our children as they experience themselves in relationship with others.

Of course, how this looks will depend on the child. Some children love competition. Others really don't. Some will throw themselves into rough-and-tumble play, while another child may need much more space or a gentler kind of play.

The invitation isn't to make every child play in the same way.

It is to notice what happens when we play together, and to stay curious about what our children are experiencing.

The Sock Game

One of our family favourites has been what we call the Sock Game.

It is exactly as ridiculous as it sounds.

Everyone puts on socks and gets down on the floor, usually on hands and knees. The aim is to remove everyone else's socks while keeping your own.

Once both your socks are off, you're out.

That's it.

Except, of course, it rarely feels quite that simple once everyone gets going.

There is scrambling and dodging and grabbing ankles. There is laughter. There is strategy. There are alliances that appear and disappear without warning.

And there is usually someone who takes it far more seriously than everyone else.

For us, it became one of those wonderfully ordinary family rituals that created a surprising amount of connection.

What happens when we play?

What I love about a game like this is that it brings so many different aspects of relationship into one small space.

There is physical contact, so we are having to become aware of our own bodies and the bodies of the other people around us. There is competition, which brings up feelings. There are boundaries to negotiate. There are moments when we have to stop, start again, change the rules or decide that something isn't okay.

And there is choice.

A child can decide how much they want to engage. They can say no. They can ask for something to stop. They can discover what it feels like to be the person chasing and the person being chased.

For younger children especially, this kind of physical play can be a wonderful way of exploring boundaries and body awareness - how much is too much? When do I want to move away? Can I say stop? Does the other person listen when I do?

These are important experiences.

And they don't necessarily need to become a lesson.

Sometimes our children learn simply because we are there, paying attention and responding to them.

And then there is losing...

One of the things I particularly love about play is that it gives us a chance to experience small versions of some of life's harder feelings.

Losing can be disappointing.

Being caught can be frustrating.

Someone else might suddenly change the rules. We might discover that our carefully planned strategy hasn't worked at all.

These moments can become quite big for children.

And this is where our presence matters.

We don't necessarily need to rush in and make the disappointment disappear. We can be alongside them in it. We might acknowledge that it really is annoying to lose. We might give them a moment. We might laugh together. We might help them find their way back into the game - or decide that they're done for now.

Over time, experiences like these can help children discover that difficult feelings can be felt without the relationship falling apart.

And perhaps that is part of what resilience really is.

Not never being upset.

Not always being able to regulate ourselves perfectly.

But gradually discovering that we can experience something difficult, be met in it, and find our way through.

I remember one particular evening...

We were playing as a family and, somewhere along the way, my partner and my child formed an alliance against me.

They succeeded in removing both of my socks.

I was outraged, naturally.

There was a lot of laughter, and that particular combination of being thoroughly beaten and thoroughly entertained stayed with me.

Because afterwards we ended up talking about winning and losing, and about how much of the joy had actually been in the playing together.

It reminded me that connection doesn't always happen through the deep conversations we imagine we need to have with our children.

Sometimes it happens while we're all lying on the floor, laughing because someone has just managed to steal a sock.

A few things to keep in mind

If you want to try something like this with your family, I'd keep it simple.

Follow your child's lead. Not every child enjoys physical or competitive play, and that's okay. Play is most nourishing when there is room for choice.

Keep an eye on the level of excitement. Rough-and-tumble play can move quickly from fun into overwhelm. Notice when someone needs a pause, and let stopping be part of the game.

Let the feelings be there. Winning and losing, frustration and excitement, wanting another turn and wanting to walk away - none of these need to be wrong.

And don't be afraid of being silly. Our children don't only need us to be their guides and caretakers. They also need to know us as people who can laugh, play, be surprised and occasionally make complete fools of ourselves.

More than a game

I think sometimes we underestimate these ordinary moments.

We can become so focused on giving our children the right experiences, teaching them emotional skills, building their resilience, preparing them for the world...

that we forget that relationship itself is formative.

A child who experiences being enjoyed, listened to, respected and played with is receiving something that goes deeper than any particular lesson.

They are experiencing themselves as someone who belongs.

And perhaps that's one of the most beautiful things about play.

It doesn't have to be productive.

It doesn't have to achieve anything.

We can simply meet each other there.

On the floor.

In the laughter.

In the ridiculousness of trying to steal each other's socks.

And sometimes, that is where the connection happens.