The Tangle of Expectations

Have you ever caught yourself thinking, I just expected them to know… or I shouldn’t have to ask… or I should be doing better by now…?

We all carry expectations. Some are simple and unconscious. Some are deeply entangled with emotion.

The word expectation comes from the Latin expectare - to wait for, to hope for, to look out toward something. There’s a sweetness in that, isn’t there? A sense of possibility. Of being open to what’s coming.

Like when we say someone is “expecting” a child - there’s wonder, and a gentle looking forward to something new.

But somewhere along the way, our expectations gather layers. They stop being light and hopeful. Instead, they become demands. Requirements. Conditions for our sense of worth and safety.

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Think of a moment when you expected your partner to treat you with kindness… and they didn’t. Or when you expected your child to brush their teeth without fuss… and they argued. Or when you expected yourself to be calm, loving, productive… and you snapped or shut down.

When expectations carry emotional attachment, they no longer float as simple thoughts. They become needs. They say: You must fulfill this, or I’ll feel unloved. Unsafe. Not good enough. When that expectation isn’t met, the feelings can be intense: shame, loneliness, guilt, frustration.

This isn’t because we’re doing something wrong. It’s because the mind naturally clings to thoughts that feel like they’ll bring safety, love, control.

But we can start to notice what’s really happening.

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When we examine our expectations with compassion, we see that:

• Expectations aimed at others often give rise to resentment when unmet.

• Expectations aimed at ourselves often lead to guilt or shame.

And here’s the deeper layer: we often stay attached to these expectations, even when they hurt us, because they bring hidden payoffs.

Sometimes resentment helps us avoid the pain of feeling powerless. Sometimes guilt allows us to feel like we’re doing something about our failures, without actually shifting anything. Sometimes holding an expectation lets us feel “right,” even when it’s costing us connection.

It’s a survival strategy. A way to keep the heart defended and the identity intact.

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But what if our expectations became invitations?

What if we used them as doorways into deeper self-understanding?

Rather than suppressing or justifying them, we could bring them into the light.

What do I expect here? Why does it matter so much? What am I hoping this will give me?

We might find that the expectation is actually a longing—for safety, connection, acknowledgement. Or a younger part of us trying to make sure we don’t get left behind or blamed or shamed again.

And when we see that, we can soften. We can choose. We can relate to the expectation, rather than be ruled by it.

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There’s a practice I often guide clients through, inspired by The Work of Byron Katie. It’s not about making expectations disappear. It’s about coming into right relationship with them.

Try this simple process:

1. Identify one strong “should” or “shouldn’t” in your mind - especially one that triggers emotion.

2. Ask: What do I feel when I believe this thought?

3. How would I feel if I didn’t believe it?

4. What happens when I turn the thought around—to myself, or to the opposite?

5. Am I ready to loosen my emotional attachment to this belief?

Sometimes the answers come softly. Sometimes not right away. But each step brings space. And that space can be deeply healing.

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Expectation doesn’t have to be the enemy.

When expectations stop being an invisible rulebook and becomes a doorway to awareness, it becomes part of our growth. It helps us understand what matters to us. It teaches us about our needs, our wounds, our humanity.

So the next time you catch yourself gritting your teeth over a “should” or falling into a pit of guilt or resentment - pause.

Take a breath.

There might be a deeper truth just beneath the expectation.

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Want to explore this more deeply in your own life?

This kind of inquiry is a core part of the way I support clients - through 1:1 sessions, workshops, and retreats designed to meet you where you are and guide you toward more clarity, compassion, and sovereignty.

If you’re curious to explore the root of your patterns with gentle support, you’re welcome to reach out here or explore my upcoming offerings.

With warmth,

Fayenen