What does it mean to be responsible?
At its heart, responsibility is really quite simple: it’s our ability to respond. Every day as parents, we are presented with so many moments where we have the chance to engage with our children. We are the source of our actions, feelings, and thoughts, and how we choose to respond in those moments shapes the kind of parent we become.
However, let’s be honest—sometimes, we don’t respond. We react. It’s almost automatic, driven by deep-seated patterns or programming. But here’s the beautiful thing: there is always a moment, a space where we can pause, take a breath, and consciously decide how we want to respond. That space is powerful, and it’s the key to more mindful and compassionate parenting.
The Pause: Creating Space for Conscious Choice
Viktor Frankl once said, “Between stimulus and response, there is a space. In that space lies our power to choose our response. In our response lies our growth and our freedom.” That space—the pause—gives us the chance to step back and choose how we want to show up for our children.
This pause is so important because:
It allows us to calm our own emotions before we act, so we’re not just reacting from a place of stress or frustration.
It gives us a chance to check in with our values, to ask, What do I really care about in this moment? and respond from there.
It helps us connect more deeply with our children, offering them our presence rather than our frustration.
That pause is the gateway to mindful parenting. It’s the moment where we stop, breathe, and shift from reacting to consciously responding.
Using the SALVE Method to Slow Down
I love using Naomi Aldort’s SALVE method to help bring even more structure to that pause. It’s a simple, beautiful way to remember how to slow down and truly connect with our child when emotions are running high:
S: Separate Yourself – The first step is to pause, breathe, and create some space between yourself and the emotion that’s rising up. This gives you a chance to calm down.
A: Attention on Child – Focus on your child. Really see them as they are in that moment, rather than through the lens of your own stress or triggers.
L: Listen to Child – Take a moment to truly listen to what your child is expressing. Their feelings, their needs, and their experience matter.
V: Validate their Feelings – Let your child know that their feelings are valid and that you understand where they’re coming from.
E: Empower them – Instead of fixing things for your child, guide them in finding their own solutions. This builds resilience and strengthens your bond.
This method isn’t about getting it “right” every time—it’s about slowing down, being present, and doing your best to respond with love and empathy.
The Parenting Toolbox: The Pause as a Key Tool
Just like a carpenter has a set of tools they rely on, we as parents also need our own toolkit. And the first tool in that box is the pause. Before we jump into any parenting strategy—whether it’s setting a boundary, repairing a broken agreement, or simply listening with empathy—we start by pausing.
Imagine your child’s behavior is triggering frustration in you. It’s in that exact moment when the pause becomes invaluable. By stopping, even for a second, and taking a deep breath, you create enough space to reflect on your values. You give yourself a chance to respond in a way that feels aligned with who you are as a parent.
Conscious vs. Unconscious Legacy: What Are You Passing On?
As parents, we’re always leaving a legacy for our children, whether we realise it or not. The question is: are we passing on a conscious legacy, or an unconscious one?
When we react automatically, without taking time to pause, we’re often operating from our old programming. We’re passing on an unconscious legacy, the emotional patterns and beliefs we inherited from our own upbringing.
Carl Jung said it best: “Until we make the unconscious conscious, it will rule our life and we will call it fate.” If we don’t take the time to bring awareness to our actions and beliefs, we can end up passing down the same patterns to our children—often without realising it.
A conscious legacy, on the other hand, is one that we create with intention. It’s the result of pausing, reflecting, and aligning our actions with the values we truly want to pass on. It’s about being mindful of what we’re teaching our children—not just with our words, but with our actions.
A Story of Transformation: Shifting the Legacy
Let me share an example of how one parent was able to shift from an unconscious to a conscious legacy.
Sarah, a mother I worked with, found herself reacting with stress whenever her child was loud and playful. At first, she didn’t understand why these joyful moments triggered her, but through our coaching, we uncovered a deeper pattern. In her own childhood, Sarah had learned that being loud or playful would disturb her parents, and it often led to arguments. To keep the peace, she learned that being quiet was better—less disturbing for the adults.
That belief carried over into her parenting. When her child was loud, Sarah’s unconscious programming kicked in, and she reacted by trying to quiet them down. But as we worked together, Sarah began to see her inner child’s unmet needs—the need to feel safe and express herself fully. She learned how to nurture that part of herself, creating more space within. With this new awareness, Sarah was able to apply the pause with her own child, transforming her reaction into a conscious, loving response. She broke the old pattern and created a new legacy, one that embraced joy and play.
Reflection: What Legacy Are You Creating?
Parenting is full of opportunities to reflect: What legacy am I creating right now? Am I reacting from my unconscious programming, or am I choosing to parent in a way that aligns with the values I want to pass on?
The pause offers us that moment to consciously choose. It gives us the chance to break free from old patterns and intentionally shape the legacy we leave for our children.
Resources for Conscious Parenting:
Mindful Parenting by Jon Kabat-Zinn – A beautiful guide to staying present and aware in your parenting journey.
The Whole-Brain Child by Dr. Daniel Siegel and Tina Payne Bryson – This book offers practical tips on how to support your child’s emotional and mental development.
Relationships That Work by Dr. David Wolf - This book offers practical insights and strategies for fostering healthy, effective relationships and enhancing communication and connection in all relationships.
Nonviolent Communication by Marshall Rosenberg – Rosenberg’s methods can help you respond to your child with empathy and compassion.
Raising Our Children, Raising Ourselves by Naomi Aldort – Aldort’s SALVE method helps you slow down, pause, and connect with your child during difficult moments.
Ready to Break Free from Old Patterns?
If this resonates with you, and you’re ready to explore the legacies you may be passing on, let’s connect. I’d love to work with you one-on-one to uncover any unconscious patterns and help you create a more intentional, aligned approach to parenting. Together, we can bring more awareness, pause, and love into your parenting journey. Reach out at fayenen@gmail.com or peruse my website to learn more.
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