Nestled in the serene Swiss mountains, surrounded by breathtaking views, I sat across from a fellow participant during a 12-day personal development retreat, feeling a surge of confidence in my communication skills. Eager to showcase my abilities, I volunteered to listen first, thinking, "Aha! This is my moment to shine!"
However, just a few minutes into her sharing, my mind began to churn with judgments and solutions to her problems. I thought I knew exactly what her issues were and how to improve her life. Yet, for this exercise, I was meant to simply listen and offer reflective statements.
Frustration bubbled up within me, a mix of impatience and self-doubt, as I struggled to resist the urge to jump in and solve her problems. A part of me switched off, and I found myself drifting away from truly listening. As the exercise progressed and we reflected on our experiences, it hit me: after those initial two minutes, I hadn’t genuinely listened to her at all. Instead, I had been caught up in my own thoughts, merely pretending to listen. Like a balloon losing air, my misplaced confidence in my listening abilities deflated, leaving me feeling flat.
With a newfound sense of humility and a beginner's mind, I immersed myself in the art of true listening, eager to learn the principles and skills of Transformative Communication.
David Wolf, PhD, L.C.S.W., founder of the spiritually-based transformational programs at the Satvatove Institute, teaches that Transformative Communication is a sattvic approach to self-realization. He explains that "in sattvic listening, we genuinely focus on the other person and remain alert and attentive without any motive to coerce or manipulate." In my case, while I wasn’t trying to manipulate my fellow participant, I wasn’t genuinely focused on her either. Instead, I was preoccupied with doing a good job and solving her problems to feel better about myself, avoiding the deeper levels of empathy, care, and compassion that true listening requires.
This isn’t to say there isn’t a place for sharing ideas or solutions; it’s just that listening to solve carries a different energy and conveys a different message than listening to understand. As Zig Ziglar wisely said, “People don’t care how much you know until they know how much you care.” In that moment, my fellow participant didn’t feel that I cared about her. She wasn’t interested in my solutions because she hadn’t truly felt heard and understood first. No matter how brilliant or successful my solutions might have been, they were of no use.
Now, more than a decade later, having immersed myself in training and work in this area, I still find it invaluable to remember the importance of truly listening with the intention to understand—not to counter, be right, or provide a solution.
As I continue my journey, I invite you to join me in embracing the art of empathic listening—not just to respond, but to truly understand. After all, in a world filled with noise, the greatest gift we can offer one another is our undivided attention.
“The single most important key to success is to be a good listener.” ~ Kelly Wearstler
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